人気ブログランキング | 話題のタグを見る

Battles are fought by those with the courage to believe


by eversleeping
カレンダー
S M T W T F S
1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31

以防有人找不到我。【三个月了你来说这个】
不过搬回来的心一直未死。EX快点解禁吧。

仍是暂时动迁地

海燕+修兵13+9命题
# by eversleeping | 2009-12-09 04:33 | 夜の流魂

The truth


I had a horrible dream last night about the past - that 2004 spring and C. I've almost forgotten completely about the existence of this dark period of my life but recently it's been hitting me back in the dreams.

I haven't spoken to C for almost 3 years already after we broke. The end of our 3-year-relationship and 7-year-friendship really had left a bitter taste in my mouth. Then I spent 2 years of life trying to forget him, trying to modify my memory so that I could believe he was a sheer bastard and carried all the guilt.

However I know from the buttom of my heart that it's not true at all. I was also a spoiled girl, was so innocent (not in the good sense), had been sheltered so carefully from the world and didn't have an idea how to cope with the change and pain in life. The first relationship I would have was destined to be a disaster, no matter who that person could be. And C, obviously he was not perfect at all. He was deeply hurt in the past, so bad that he never could get through the unconfidence and never believed he could be successful in anything - even worse than me in the worst time of my life, when I still had my plans and dreams. We both believed we could be the savior of each other, but it only turned out that we became the sharpest blades instead. He wanted me to save him, without knowing what he really wanted from me; I wanted him to save me, but had the completely wrong idea of how to do that, and he could never do what I wanted. I tried to change him he wouldn't, he tried even harder to change me and almost succeeded. He's not exactly a bastard, nor me a bitch, but more than half of the time we spent together had been torment for both. We didn't do it deliberately, but we both felt the pain from the first bloody day.

Then, why didn't we break? Oh heaven knows I tried so hard. I was fully concious from the beginning that we had no future, yet his hope was even stronger, strong as if it was the only hope in his miserable life - that I didn't dare to let him down. And I let him try, and and the same time couldn't stop torturing him due to my conciousness of the dark future and my despise against him, until at the end the hope he had about me became a powerful will of possession instead of love. And he hated me more that he loved me, and vice versa.


You know there is cruelty lying in innocence. When you were an idol student that were acutally good at nothing but exams, and unfortunately everybody liked you that way, even if you knew deep inside that you were so incomplete as a person, you couldn't help becoming arrogent. Yes I used to be so arrogent - only with the people that I had intimate relationship with, since I knew it's no good to show it to the public (I still showed a bit without noticing, which was why I didn't get along with people in the old university) - and hurt him as I wanted because I thought I had better ideas of his life. Well, I was absolutely wrong. There's no right or wrong choosing to be a student star or to be a freak playing computer games 12 hours a day and failing half of the modules, only talking big but never making life any better. We've grown up and it's our own life. If we couldn't agree with what we wanted in life, we just left each other alone even if it hurt to depart, that simple! To think about changing someone's view of life is the most hopeless and deem to fail. I guess that's why he started to hate me and started changing me instead, forcing me to do this and that, and enjoyed like controlling someone in a game. While I was hoping to change him for good, he hated me for that and wanted to change me into a useless freak even inferior to him, in order to revenge my arrogence, and control me, secure me as the last hope of "love" in life.

So it was also my fault to drive him mad. I know now where I've got this from. Family influence is so strong that I never realized that I was pushing him just like Mom pushing Dad. My Dad is obviously much better than a freak like him; he was just too shy and a bit lazy that's all, and nothing's serious wrong in his life, yet Mom still made him suffer - no wonder I was even harsher with C. But you know, I hate to be like this, so I also suffered when I did this to him, and always ended up saying sorry and got back to him.

Yes I admit that I looked down upon him. I still do, because you can see from the above that he's really a freak, who had no motivation nor dream in life, who couldn't be trusted with the rest of my life. My fault is that I believed too much in gift which he actually has. However, to activate your gift you got to work hard first, and he didn't want to start, and even the family wouldn't be able to force him into the right way we considered, nor me.


I knew he loved me. At the beginning it was truly love and admiration, and he really just wanted to caress me off my pain, not a deliberate evil act to use me as a tool. I knew he wasn't like that until I provoked his hatred by my arrogence, by what I showed as disrespect to him, by the thorns in my words that I didn't even notice. We were just so different, and shouldn't never be together. And oh, what hurt me the most was also not completely his fault. It was because we were so immature and didn't really know what we wanted, and were so vulnable to desperation.



Now I think I have the better idea of what happened, and what to do in the future with a relationship. I feel like knowing what he's doing now, and say hello. I'm glad I don't feel slightly mobilized. We carry on with our life with each other's existence, we had same friends, we all could move on.

Much better.
# by eversleeping | 2008-10-07 22:53 | 夜の心绪

Blueberry alien


Just dropped by to change the background cause i like blueberries and puzzles.


Recently i'm starting to talk too much in Blogbus. It's an alert - usually when I start writing about every little detail in my life, it doesn't mean I'm inspired - it means I'm getting stressed, bored and lonely.


No doubt I'm stressed. But being bored or lonely...is definitely no good. Oh, I'm not saying that being stressed is any better....See? I'm doing it again.

Hopeless.



I will be fine. We will be fine. I don't care what others say. I know I'm different. I'm happy. I'm making every right choice on my own. I don't have to be lonely. I don't have to fear. Even if I do fail upon something, nobody is to be disappointed or hurt. It's only me who carry my own burden, and enjoy my own happiness.

I know this is still nonsense. But much better.



--------------------------------
Could it be a means of love that someone treats others without basic respect as if they have no dignity? It doesn't appear to me anything like LOVE, though, even if someone claims it being love for his/her whole life.

I still don't believe this kind of love exists, and I'm not to embrace it wholeheartly. No.


Some peole do love their ones in a scary way. That's why I don't like dominative/manipulative people. I don't care if my partner's a leader or not. I just don't want to be scared anymore.
# by eversleeping | 2008-09-23 06:09 | 夜の心绪

The shadow of the memories

Shield myself with second language again.
I'm such a coward.

More
# by eversleeping | 2008-08-26 21:38 | 夜の心绪

and now it has become a real one……for my depressions.

----

I always thought that it was almost impossible to find a job in Chile which was relevant to my current work. Now I've got this chance to continue(with a pretty cool multinational company- and no Spanish requirement!). Although it's only an initial interview, I am sincerely happy I got this opportunity. However when I told my parents about this, they obviously didn't feel the same; actually, I was clearly reminded that I was earning less money than in the UK (which is obvious), and I could actually earn doubled in CHINA if I got a job in certain companies they had connection with. Also came the little complaints here and there, about A's job, about no one really understood what he was doing and they could never have a clue if he was capable of finding a position in a university and supporting our life (like I ever needed his bloody support); besides looking at stars didn't sound like something a man should do for his life, blah blah.

In a nutshell, we are both losers in their eyes.
I hope I was overacting or thinking too much, or I hope they only did that because they wanted to get me back to China, but still don't feel so good after keeping a smiling face during this long dull conversation being hinted as a pathetic and useless person all the time.


Whatever. If I've chosen this path, I've been believed as an idiot from the beginning. What makes things even worse, is that WE DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY AT ALL. BOTH OF US. I'm happy with half the salary I can earn in Santiago if I could get a job in Valparaiso living with him. I have more important things (I believe) to go for. We are both hopeless idealists and love each other too much more than too many things.

Whatever. I'm not supposed to care; but still it stinks...not to be understood by my beloved parents, not to be accepted...not to be proud of, anymore.


I'm not supposed to live for anyone else's pride, true enough...but it stinks!


-----
I knew I sounded ridiculous. I'm a Biz-school grad; I'm supposed to be obsessed with money and fame in the business world just like “The Apprentice”, just like all my classmates in Warwick. I chose to study this myself and now I start to claim that I don't care about business world and money? Then why did you choose to come here to start with?

- We all know that you don't love finance that much. (You? High-flying finance people? London? What a joke.) You started majoring in finance instead of language or whatever you loved or dreamed. Just because you wanted to be secured; you feared that you couldn’t live a good enough life to make them happy. You went to the UK for this again, because you wanted to escape and found a new life, but you couldn’t apply for anything else and could only make the best out of your relatively good-looking GPA. Then again, you got financial support from your parents and you would feel sorry if you didn’t keep on doing well or looking good, so you went on working in this. For all these years you’ve accepted that you would never love your job as Alberto does (lucky bastard!). Just a series of mistakes and at some point you couldn’t switch as you want anymore. I cannot stop running down this way. Fortunately I don’t hate my job much either; I’m comfortable living with my career trying to look like a decent office lady (<-error) instead of a clumsy college girl. I have no desire to be the top guys in Morgan Stanley (<-even if you desire…forget it, girl- -) or whatever.


So stop that crap; I’m not being an investment banker in 3 years don’t make me laugh. We are not to be high-flyings; so what? I just want a peaceful life, to go home at 5 and breathe…and still I have more stuff to do than earning money. I’m determined….but I’m still moaning here. Isn’t it pointless…



But I still have my fear. Maybe one day one of us will change; probably that would be me. When my dream dies, or I forget where it began, maybe I would no longer be thinking the same. At that moment I would be groaning in fury, hating myself for not being persistent with my career, not aiming for a higher goal. I would sincerely believe that I was a loser for the rest of my life. That’s what happened to Dad, and for years and years I’ve been scared to death that I would one day repeat this destiny. Fortunately Alberto’s different from Mom. He only cares about his science; and would never lose his way. He also wouldn’t mind what kind of choice I make on my own life, and whatever I’ve been dreaming about. I assume that it’s not happening again…No.


..Well, I hope not.

So much for depressions and complaints. I know what I’m doing…. Just have to get myself used to this; get used to that we are not like when I was 15 anymore, me and mom. I will have to be sad from time to time…and try to forgive and forget.

Good luck with my interview. Fingers cross.
# by eversleeping | 2008-08-04 05:57 | 夜の心绪