Battles are fought by those with the courage to believe

by eversleeping
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# by eversleeping | 2009-12-09 04:33 | 夜の流魂

The truth

I had a horrible dream last night about the past - that 2004 spring and C. I've almost forgotten completely about the existence of this dark period of my life but recently it's been hitting me back in the dreams.

I haven't spoken to C for almost 3 years already after we broke. The end of our 3-year-relationship and 7-year-friendship really had left a bitter taste in my mouth. Then I spent 2 years of life trying to forget him, trying to modify my memory so that I could believe he was a sheer bastard and carried all the guilt.

However I know from the buttom of my heart that it's not true at all. I was also a spoiled girl, was so innocent (not in the good sense), had been sheltered so carefully from the world and didn't have an idea how to cope with the change and pain in life. The first relationship I would have was destined to be a disaster, no matter who that person could be. And C, obviously he was not perfect at all. He was deeply hurt in the past, so bad that he never could get through the unconfidence and never believed he could be successful in anything - even worse than me in the worst time of my life, when I still had my plans and dreams. We both believed we could be the savior of each other, but it only turned out that we became the sharpest blades instead. He wanted me to save him, without knowing what he really wanted from me; I wanted him to save me, but had the completely wrong idea of how to do that, and he could never do what I wanted. I tried to change him he wouldn't, he tried even harder to change me and almost succeeded. He's not exactly a bastard, nor me a bitch, but more than half of the time we spent together had been torment for both. We didn't do it deliberately, but we both felt the pain from the first bloody day.

Then, why didn't we break? Oh heaven knows I tried so hard. I was fully concious from the beginning that we had no future, yet his hope was even stronger, strong as if it was the only hope in his miserable life - that I didn't dare to let him down. And I let him try, and and the same time couldn't stop torturing him due to my conciousness of the dark future and my despise against him, until at the end the hope he had about me became a powerful will of possession instead of love. And he hated me more that he loved me, and vice versa.

You know there is cruelty lying in innocence. When you were an idol student that were acutally good at nothing but exams, and unfortunately everybody liked you that way, even if you knew deep inside that you were so incomplete as a person, you couldn't help becoming arrogent. Yes I used to be so arrogent - only with the people that I had intimate relationship with, since I knew it's no good to show it to the public (I still showed a bit without noticing, which was why I didn't get along with people in the old university) - and hurt him as I wanted because I thought I had better ideas of his life. Well, I was absolutely wrong. There's no right or wrong choosing to be a student star or to be a freak playing computer games 12 hours a day and failing half of the modules, only talking big but never making life any better. We've grown up and it's our own life. If we couldn't agree with what we wanted in life, we just left each other alone even if it hurt to depart, that simple! To think about changing someone's view of life is the most hopeless and deem to fail. I guess that's why he started to hate me and started changing me instead, forcing me to do this and that, and enjoyed like controlling someone in a game. While I was hoping to change him for good, he hated me for that and wanted to change me into a useless freak even inferior to him, in order to revenge my arrogence, and control me, secure me as the last hope of "love" in life.

So it was also my fault to drive him mad. I know now where I've got this from. Family influence is so strong that I never realized that I was pushing him just like Mom pushing Dad. My Dad is obviously much better than a freak like him; he was just too shy and a bit lazy that's all, and nothing's serious wrong in his life, yet Mom still made him suffer - no wonder I was even harsher with C. But you know, I hate to be like this, so I also suffered when I did this to him, and always ended up saying sorry and got back to him.

Yes I admit that I looked down upon him. I still do, because you can see from the above that he's really a freak, who had no motivation nor dream in life, who couldn't be trusted with the rest of my life. My fault is that I believed too much in gift which he actually has. However, to activate your gift you got to work hard first, and he didn't want to start, and even the family wouldn't be able to force him into the right way we considered, nor me.

I knew he loved me. At the beginning it was truly love and admiration, and he really just wanted to caress me off my pain, not a deliberate evil act to use me as a tool. I knew he wasn't like that until I provoked his hatred by my arrogence, by what I showed as disrespect to him, by the thorns in my words that I didn't even notice. We were just so different, and shouldn't never be together. And oh, what hurt me the most was also not completely his fault. It was because we were so immature and didn't really know what we wanted, and were so vulnable to desperation.

Now I think I have the better idea of what happened, and what to do in the future with a relationship. I feel like knowing what he's doing now, and say hello. I'm glad I don't feel slightly mobilized. We carry on with our life with each other's existence, we had same friends, we all could move on.

Much better.
# by eversleeping | 2008-10-07 22:53 | 夜の心绪

Blueberry alien

Just dropped by to change the background cause i like blueberries and puzzles.

Recently i'm starting to talk too much in Blogbus. It's an alert - usually when I start writing about every little detail in my life, it doesn't mean I'm inspired - it means I'm getting stressed, bored and lonely.

No doubt I'm stressed. But being bored or definitely no good. Oh, I'm not saying that being stressed is any better....See? I'm doing it again.


I will be fine. We will be fine. I don't care what others say. I know I'm different. I'm happy. I'm making every right choice on my own. I don't have to be lonely. I don't have to fear. Even if I do fail upon something, nobody is to be disappointed or hurt. It's only me who carry my own burden, and enjoy my own happiness.

I know this is still nonsense. But much better.

Could it be a means of love that someone treats others without basic respect as if they have no dignity? It doesn't appear to me anything like LOVE, though, even if someone claims it being love for his/her whole life.

I still don't believe this kind of love exists, and I'm not to embrace it wholeheartly. No.

Some peole do love their ones in a scary way. That's why I don't like dominative/manipulative people. I don't care if my partner's a leader or not. I just don't want to be scared anymore.
# by eversleeping | 2008-09-23 06:09 | 夜の心绪

The shadow of the memories

Shield myself with second language again.
I'm such a coward.

# by eversleeping | 2008-08-26 21:38 | 夜の心绪

and now it has become a real one……for my depressions.


I always thought that it was almost impossible to find a job in Chile which was relevant to my current work. Now I've got this chance to continue(with a pretty cool multinational company- and no Spanish requirement!). Although it's only an initial interview, I am sincerely happy I got this opportunity. However when I told my parents about this, they obviously didn't feel the same; actually, I was clearly reminded that I was earning less money than in the UK (which is obvious), and I could actually earn doubled in CHINA if I got a job in certain companies they had connection with. Also came the little complaints here and there, about A's job, about no one really understood what he was doing and they could never have a clue if he was capable of finding a position in a university and supporting our life (like I ever needed his bloody support); besides looking at stars didn't sound like something a man should do for his life, blah blah.

In a nutshell, we are both losers in their eyes.
I hope I was overacting or thinking too much, or I hope they only did that because they wanted to get me back to China, but still don't feel so good after keeping a smiling face during this long dull conversation being hinted as a pathetic and useless person all the time.

Whatever. If I've chosen this path, I've been believed as an idiot from the beginning. What makes things even worse, is that WE DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY AT ALL. BOTH OF US. I'm happy with half the salary I can earn in Santiago if I could get a job in Valparaiso living with him. I have more important things (I believe) to go for. We are both hopeless idealists and love each other too much more than too many things.

Whatever. I'm not supposed to care; but still it stinks...not to be understood by my beloved parents, not to be accepted...not to be proud of, anymore.

I'm not supposed to live for anyone else's pride, true enough...but it stinks!

I knew I sounded ridiculous. I'm a Biz-school grad; I'm supposed to be obsessed with money and fame in the business world just like “The Apprentice”, just like all my classmates in Warwick. I chose to study this myself and now I start to claim that I don't care about business world and money? Then why did you choose to come here to start with?

- We all know that you don't love finance that much. (You? High-flying finance people? London? What a joke.) You started majoring in finance instead of language or whatever you loved or dreamed. Just because you wanted to be secured; you feared that you couldn’t live a good enough life to make them happy. You went to the UK for this again, because you wanted to escape and found a new life, but you couldn’t apply for anything else and could only make the best out of your relatively good-looking GPA. Then again, you got financial support from your parents and you would feel sorry if you didn’t keep on doing well or looking good, so you went on working in this. For all these years you’ve accepted that you would never love your job as Alberto does (lucky bastard!). Just a series of mistakes and at some point you couldn’t switch as you want anymore. I cannot stop running down this way. Fortunately I don’t hate my job much either; I’m comfortable living with my career trying to look like a decent office lady (<-error) instead of a clumsy college girl. I have no desire to be the top guys in Morgan Stanley (<-even if you desire…forget it, girl- -) or whatever.

So stop that crap; I’m not being an investment banker in 3 years don’t make me laugh. We are not to be high-flyings; so what? I just want a peaceful life, to go home at 5 and breathe…and still I have more stuff to do than earning money. I’m determined….but I’m still moaning here. Isn’t it pointless…

But I still have my fear. Maybe one day one of us will change; probably that would be me. When my dream dies, or I forget where it began, maybe I would no longer be thinking the same. At that moment I would be groaning in fury, hating myself for not being persistent with my career, not aiming for a higher goal. I would sincerely believe that I was a loser for the rest of my life. That’s what happened to Dad, and for years and years I’ve been scared to death that I would one day repeat this destiny. Fortunately Alberto’s different from Mom. He only cares about his science; and would never lose his way. He also wouldn’t mind what kind of choice I make on my own life, and whatever I’ve been dreaming about. I assume that it’s not happening again…No.

..Well, I hope not.

So much for depressions and complaints. I know what I’m doing…. Just have to get myself used to this; get used to that we are not like when I was 15 anymore, me and mom. I will have to be sad from time to time…and try to forgive and forget.

Good luck with my interview. Fingers cross.
# by eversleeping | 2008-08-04 05:57 | 夜の心绪



















# by eversleeping | 2008-07-21 21:54 | 夜の心绪

Letter from a coward

Just decide to soak myself into sorrow and drown. Yes sorrow. I see all of you laughing right there I know. I am such a lucky woman but full of sorrow, right?
No I'm not. You don't know how unlucky I am. Why do I have to be so unlucky with relationships all the time?? Why, until I am convinced that I am stupid?

Yes, I'm a screw-up. I'm pathetic. I'm a coward. I have nothing but fear. I always tried to change you know, I tried, so hard for all these years. I've been through this shit for millions of times, waking up 3-4am with tears all over my face and the only desire was to die. God knows [if he's really up there, I hope so] that I barely survived, that I was so close to death for so many times. However I'm still here, living this meaningless life, trying to find a way that could simply make me happier, and waste the rest of my time in peace and comfort. I thought God's finally in favour of me when I met Alberto and I could get better from then on, being a plain happy girl loved by an ordinary caring guy. Seriously I never asked for more. I never wanted handsome fellows, walking banks or big names. I want it the simplest way: just an understanding, comforting and satisfying relationship that always warms me from the bottom of my heart; just enough money to make us feel comfortable living, traveling and rising kids; just a nice place to reside, quiet, faraway but with travel convenience. We can make it easily, can't we?

But see? I can't, I simply can't. I am doomed. The problem is simple but fatal: I can't afford that one person I love doesn't like the other. This is life, I know, it happens all the time to everyone, but it can tear me apart easily, because I'm hopeless. Maybe some people are strong enough to live their own life happily among people who hate each other, but I simply can't. That's how I've been brought up. Since I was ten years old I've been trying not to love my father because I was convinced my mother didn't love him anymore and vice versa. The most obvious result is, Alberto always wonders why when I mentioned my parents I always said only "my mother", as if they were divorced - I've been trying to correct that, but it's already a forced habit.... I always chose my mother because she's the only strong one in my family, and I relied on her because I was so weak and helpless. I knew she was also tired, she wanted someone to do something for her as well, that's why she got angry with him. However I never got a chance to do that. I don't know why...I couldn't even cook a meal for her because she insisted I should not. Yes, I'v said that before, about how i grew up into such a screw-up who was eager to but never helped anyone at the end and thus hates herself constantly.

And since the day I knew his parents were divorced I told myself, you'd have to leave him at some point; this is not gonna work. That day we almost broke; it was the only crisis, barely 2 months after we decided to go out. I remember we were talking about if a couple should get married if they happen to have a pregnancy, and he said not necessarily something...which brought a lot up, including his family. I could have dumped him there; I knew we could survive without each other from then on, but I was too weak to leave. Not until that day did I realize I already loved him so much. That was a mistake...I shouldn't have hoped for anything.

Because no matter what kind of guy he is, my mother hates divorced families (no offense! This's certainly not my opinion, but a common opinion of most of the traditional Chinese parents. I don't blame my parents from thinking like that: it's for me, anyway). She thinks those kids were hurt inside and have hidden psychological problems, leading them to the same path to their parents in the future. There are theories for that (there are also theories supporting rasicm, sexism, Nazism...) but that way half the western society is doomed, right? And certainly Alberto is mentally healthier than any guy I met back in China (again no offsense), and most obviously, healthier than me. .

I think she hates the divorced so much because she didn't divorce with my father since she wanted to protect me and make me look like a perfect happy girl from a perfect happy family, and it took her too much to accomplish that. But anyway, she hates this, adding that she will never be able to overcome the feeling that she couldn't communicate with Alberto, thus couldn't make sure he is at least a good person. She wants everything in control. That's why I wanted to hide it for a's really stupid, but this is the only thing that I know she will say "forget it" without considering anything else. That's why I brought them together twice trying to make her feel more confidence in him. I still held a faint hope, but at the end miracles didn't happen; I knew my mom so well. Alberto...I have to say, it was difficult for him to impress my parents anyway, and he chose not to do so, which disappointed me somehow (but what could I want from him. How could I request something like that, he's not my poppy).

Yes I was totally stupid from the very beginning. Now my mother blamed me because I didn't trust her. Well, I deserved it. I trusted her the most but this is not about trust, it's about my fear and my foolish hope of changing her mind. Now it's all over. She said "consider someone more worthy from now on". And that's it.

I hate conflicts. I hate my lover being picked on all the time and worst of all is that only myself can suffer because he doesn't understand and I'm certainly not bringing the pain down to him......I hate it. I even don't mind if I lose the biggest chance in my life of being happy, I want it to end. I will just wait for my mom introducing some well-brought-up guy she likes, try to show him love and make him love me, let's see at some point if he minds that I've been sleeping with some Spanish guy for a year and half (could be embarrassing if I were more experienced, right? Not to mention Virgin Complex) and probably still loving him deep in my heart. If he's OK with that...let's go get married and have some pure blood Chinese kids, and spoil them as much as we can. That way everybody wins.

Mom I wouldn't say something as fake as "I did this just to make you happy." No I'm not laying any responsibility on anyone about my life. I'm just making myself comfortable. If there's anyone to blame it's definitely me. It's my own choice. I just have to accept that I'm weak and I don't want to live in endless conflicts between my loved people. I ain't a fighter by nature. I've been so used to giving up, let's do it just once again.

See? This is the same thing all over again. So pathetic, like a mid-child fighting for his independence, whereas he's not at all capable of it. I've given up already, I'm not capable of anything about love. I don't know love. All I know is that life's so tough for everyone, especially for me, because I'm weak as a lamb I can't survive without someone taking care of me. Of course, they care about me because they love me, and I love them accordingly. That's mom's theory; she wants a husband who'd be babysitting me for the rest of my life (Alberto although I reckon you could be the best in this 'todos el mundo' but that's not what she thinks - she thinks you are a naive scientist boy with no money, too young to know how to care about someone, and will dump me sooner or later to repeat what your parents have done, and I'm too blinded to see that future.) We'll see. I'll try to find one that she thinks is capable of this. I'll just stop being overconfident and leave the rest to the more capable ones. At least I'll only meet guys who actually meet the standard.

Sorry Alberto I'm writing all these cruel words... It's so unfair...I can't believe I'm gonna do that. I can't believe I was saying something so bitchy...And you know I love you. I don't know what exactly is love; but I felt like being dessembled and smashed leaving you. I really fear that I'm not meeting anyone better than you; my tears might never dry. However, look at me, you deserve someone better, someone without all those mental problems, without the neverending fear and sorrow. You wouldn't mind, no? You said if one day I wanted to leave you, you would have to let me go because it's my choice, right? So don't be sad. You will be OK soon enough. We didn't break because we had any problem, moreover we were so perfect together, right? So I assume we could still be friends, very close friends, right?

Guys, I don't know how I could survive this time. I could be dead at any time.

Novak and Astrid are watching that old film right there in the dining room. "Four Weddings and a Funeral". I am just weeping so hard in our bed.

Alberto I loved you so much. I still do and probably will be for a long time, probably until I die. I wanted to marry you, I mean it. I've been trying to hide it away, but how happy I would be if I were your bride. And that day when we were teased by your spanish fellows about a sweet little wedding for us, how I wish that was real. I was almost convinced we could make it. I can picture us as a married couple living a simple healthy life in some corner of the world. I can picture myself preganent with your baby, picture you teaching our little boy or girl swimming in the backyard, picture you playing guitar with me and our kid(s) singing and dancing in the family BBQ. They don't have to be top student, nor scientist nor musician. They just have to be proud and happy all their life... I love you so much...I know you would never understand this. You said "Bloody hell, China.." in your dream last night... I knew you've been so amazed, if not more puzzled, by our culture. But this is not about culture, this is about me and my family, and my pains and problems all these years. I thought you could cure me but you couldn't. You know how how scared I was by my painful experience with my exboy, I feared marriage and pregnancy, I feared rising children, I feared that I'm gonna end up like my father in the future; you cured all those. But only for this time it can't be changed at all.

From now on, I have a whole fortnight to think and prepare everything while you are away in Barcelona for the conference. I wrote all this (to torture myself) trying to make up my mind and make it quick. It's so difficult for me; I don't even know how to live my life now without you!
# by eversleeping | 2008-07-01 03:02 | 夜の心绪


XKCD抄来,很萌的。【人家明明是Just Shy, Not Anti-social……】




今天在录歌,伪Mercedes Sosa的女中音伪到想自杀,听着就像快给掐断气了似的……其实一直也在录歌。虽然我西语发音还是那么火星比英语还火星,但唱歌还是可以混的。



# by eversleeping | 2008-06-20 06:42 | 夜の心绪





公司那边已经在敲我问work permit的事。粗略看了下条例,不过一张表加190镑,比IGS还便宜不少,公司资历绝无问题中国又不是什么问题国家,要拿下来根本就是没有半点问题的。问题是我要在智利那边八字没有一撇的情况下,告诉他们我明年肯定不干了,还是要牺牲190镑和打工妹的人品【……】先把明年的work permit拿下再说。若是拿下了立即跑走,对我将来回欧洲会有什么影响不会……应该不会吧。







这两天在写这个Amy Winehouse的伪同人。最近满脑子都是反社会,从抢白开始就没正常过。


# by eversleeping | 2008-06-19 06:17 | 夜の梦旅











# by eversleeping | 2008-06-12 07:12 | 夜の心绪


正式决定把Las Noches作为主要窝点。毕竟看起来ex恢复无望,我又果然不想与国内大家断了联系。虽然私心还是更喜欢这边一点,但博客大巴也还不坏。



又,最近听WT的一首歌听得很魔障,The Heart of Everything. 虽然高低音区的女声应该都是Sharon一个人的自攻受,但在我耳朵里怎样听也是百合H……[喂]

# by eversleeping | 2008-06-01 00:31 | 夜の心绪



Las Noches



回家以后零时差,QQ在线……TAT TAT
# by eversleeping | 2008-05-03 06:22 | 夜の心绪




又及,若NS看得到的话[够了,上msn去说啊你大爷的],专对你吐槽一句;Life Burns绝对有潜力可以做个比wishmaster更震撼的misheard lyrics版本出来,crooked lie我怎么听怎么觉得象cooking pie……[后面那个单词根本不可能听错吧]。

We break our enemies with fear
And we've seen how the tears come around
We built our confidence on wasteland
We've seen how the walls come down

Life Burns!

A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
All things must pass
One love is a crooked lie
The world lies in the hands of evil
And we pray it would last

Life Burns!

We have no sympathy for the lost souls
We've chosen the path of disgrace
We give this life to our children
And teach them to hate this place

A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
All things must pass
One love is a crooked lie
The world lies in the hands of evil
And we pray it would last

A man dies like a butterfly
Life burns from the touch of the reaper
One love is a crooked lie
The world lies in the hands of evil
The world lies in the hands of evil
The world lies in the hands of evil
The world lies in the hands of evil
The world lies in the hands of evil

# by eversleeping | 2008-04-26 07:59 | 夜の乐章